Today was my turn to teach Sunday School to the children at our church. Something I have done countless times back in America without much worry beside conveying the message true to God's word. But the circumstance now leaves me trembling every time because I have to not only worry that I am teaching God's word clearly but I am also saying it correctly in Thai!
Throughout the week, I am trying to understand the passage and saying it in my own words. Throughout the week, my mind is jumbled and I keep feeling that I am going to fail miserably on Sunday with none of the kids understanding. To add to the pressure, we have a guest speaker who is a pastor that, along with his wife, cares for 6 orphan boys along with their two daughters. So, now I have 8 more kids to the 5 kids we already have to the mix.
All weekend, I am feeling a dread and constantly praying for God's help while also feeling so paralyzed with fear. This Sunday morning I awoke wondering whether all that I worked out will really come together.
I wish I could say the lesson went great, but there was definitely lots of room for improvement. It's only by the power of God that I got through it.
It's pretty humbling to have 7 and 8 year olds correct your pronunciation and reading during a lesson. I come home exhausted and feeling so useless. When will I ever be able to speak in a coherent way? When will I be able to listen without feeling like I am missing out on everything?
It's the same feeling I am constantly feeling and fighting. I tell people that I have no doubt God has called us to Thailand. It's been a calling that I have had to serve Him for a very long time. But I do have my moments when I wonder if I have the strength to continue.
So I return home feeling beat up wondering whether the kids understood anything. I wonder how are we ever going to share God's word to our neighbors and the people around us when I can't even put simple sentences together or answer any questions they may have.
And then God reminds me it's not about me when I go out, it's a spiritual battle.
Ephesians 6:12 says
" For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms"
This battle is in the spiritual realm. When Dave and I used to pray before coming here, we asked the Lord to take us where there was the most need. We wanted to make ourselves available to be a light even in the darkest place and He has answered that. When you hear statistics saying that we live in an area that has one of the least percentage of believers. ( .02%) and one of the highest needs for workers and churches. ( out of all the regions our agency works in Thailand, our region has the smallest number of workers by far) We begin to wonder, how do we do this? Where do we start? We are only two people. It seems so overwhelming and we always feel so tired.
But God reminds me that He has already done the work and won. The cross trumps everything Satan has and tries to do. We are all free and victors if we just accept it and know. So I am reminded, God is in control and never stops working no matter what.
In Isaiah 40:28-31 it says:
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
God is my strength and even when I stumble and fall, I will continue to hope.
and one day, I will soar, I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint. He is already helping me with that.
It may seem a bit depressing that this is my second post about the hardship we face. Some part of me doesn't want to be this honest. I think, "Come on, Lila, Got to show that I am a "good missionary". We need to show we are doing lots of great work for Him! " But really, I realize that right now, God is refining me. He is burning me through the fire to make something pure. Not only that I can serve Him but because He wants me to be pure, holy and set apart for Him. God wants me all of me and to really submit everything to Him. To trust Him alone and not by anything I do or any strength or ability I have.
This is not anything different from what anyone else following God faces. We have said before, Missionaries are no different from any other follower of Christ. We are just put in a different location. We are all a body in the process of sanctification.
So, even through my frustration and failures, I can continue to praise God, loving father and omnipotent one. He truly is the one in control. I am here, not by my own strength or ability but by His grace and mercy. Even in the darkness, I continue to obey and praise Him. I stand in the truth that He is always with me and He will continue to do great things.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Some one shared this with me and although the situation is not as harsh as what she has to deal with the feelings are the same.
http://www.wrecked.org/a-hot-mess/confessions-of-a-missionary/
I heard recently this quote. "The more I grow older, the less I feel I know. The more I walk with God the less I feel I know about Him and what He will do. " and I have to add, the more I walk with God the more wretched and sinful I feel but so thankful for His grace and mercy that has allowed me here.
http://www.wrecked.org/a-hot-mess/confessions-of-a-missionary/
I heard recently this quote. "The more I grow older, the less I feel I know. The more I walk with God the less I feel I know about Him and what He will do. " and I have to add, the more I walk with God the more wretched and sinful I feel but so thankful for His grace and mercy that has allowed me here.
Friday, March 29, 2013
The Day In Between
Today is the day in between Good Friday and Easter Sunday (Thailand timezone). No one really observes it or celebrates it (at least I don't think). Yet during prayer time this morning, I couldn't help but think how special it means for our family right now.
You see, not much is written about the day in between in the Bible. We know that on Good Friday Jesus died an agonizing death on the cross and all his disciples scattered. We also know that on Easter Sunday the tomb was empty because Jesus rose from the dead and conquered sin and death for all who place their faith in him. But what about the day in between? We do know that it was the Sabbath (a day of rest). And we do know that it was a time of waiting for Jesus' disciples and followers (a time of waiting dominated with much doubt, I may add, because we know many still did not believe after they were told that Jesus rose from the dead - Matt. 28:17, Mark 16:11).
Not necessarily for everyone, but this 2nd year in the field feels like the "day in between" for us. There is much waiting and much anticipation. But if we are honest, we allow doubt to creep in many times as well. With unexpected changes in ministry situations, lack of success in finding a home to rent, struggles with language learning & making relationships with people, and frustrations with being sick, sometimes it is easy to question whether we should really be here at all. In many ways, we are still incapable of doing much in the 2nd year because of our limitations with language and ministry (although we know that God can do great things in the midst of limitations). It is a humbling because we catch ourselves comparing what we did (and are capable of doing) before coming to the field and what we do (and are capable of doing) now that we are in the field. And we need to surrender everything all over again unto God. Perhaps what is most emotionally draining right now is not having a place to unpack, decorate, and call home (and seeing the toll it takes on our children as well).
Yet we believe that God has a purpose for everything. Jesus could have died on the cross and just rose from the grave the very next day. Why add the day in between? I've always believed that Jesus is a great story-teller or movie-maker. Just like added suspense in a movie makes it all the more dramatic, perhaps the added day in between makes the story more meaningful. Perhaps God is teaching our family a lesson in waiting and suffering right now. A lesson that is for our benefit "because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us" (Rom. 5:3-4). But waiting is never fun, whether waiting in a long grocery line, waiting at the police station after a car accident, or waiting to find a home to rent.
But I believe God has called us to wait and persevere right now. And so that is just what we will do. But don't be mistaken! Waiting is not equated to doing nothing. It is possible to "actively" wait. We are called to "be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstance, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (2 Thess. 5:16). The disciplines of joy, prayer, and thanksgiving (among many others) are things we can actively do right now as we wait.
I believe that God has called us perhaps to a period of Sabbath (the day in between) as well. Sabbath is the ordained day of rest that God has set aside for us to observe. But don't be mistaken again! The Sabbath of the OT and the NT are not the same. As J.I. Packer puts it so eloquently in his book Concise Theology, "the sabbath is renewed with a casuistry of doing good rather than doing nothing (Luke 13:10-16; 14:1-6), and re-counted, on the basis of one-plus-six rather than six-plus-one" (pg. 101). Therefore, worship (i.e. the "Lord's day" or Christian sabbath) comes at the beginning of the week rather than at the end of the week. And it is preoccupied with filling our minds with more of him rather than just filling our minds with fun relaxing activities or no activities (although this is not always bad if it helps us to be still before God) because ultimately our rest (and our peace) comes from God and God alone, and not from anything else in this world. And so perhaps for our family right now, this means spending more time getting to know God through his Word and the world he created, and spending more time enjoying Him through personal worship.
And so maybe today is worth commemorating - as a time of finding true rest in God and as a time of waiting upon His faithfulness. For we know that "no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ. And so through him the 'Amen' is spoken by us to the glory of God" (2 Cor. 1:20).
Happy "In-Between" Day!
You see, not much is written about the day in between in the Bible. We know that on Good Friday Jesus died an agonizing death on the cross and all his disciples scattered. We also know that on Easter Sunday the tomb was empty because Jesus rose from the dead and conquered sin and death for all who place their faith in him. But what about the day in between? We do know that it was the Sabbath (a day of rest). And we do know that it was a time of waiting for Jesus' disciples and followers (a time of waiting dominated with much doubt, I may add, because we know many still did not believe after they were told that Jesus rose from the dead - Matt. 28:17, Mark 16:11).
Not necessarily for everyone, but this 2nd year in the field feels like the "day in between" for us. There is much waiting and much anticipation. But if we are honest, we allow doubt to creep in many times as well. With unexpected changes in ministry situations, lack of success in finding a home to rent, struggles with language learning & making relationships with people, and frustrations with being sick, sometimes it is easy to question whether we should really be here at all. In many ways, we are still incapable of doing much in the 2nd year because of our limitations with language and ministry (although we know that God can do great things in the midst of limitations). It is a humbling because we catch ourselves comparing what we did (and are capable of doing) before coming to the field and what we do (and are capable of doing) now that we are in the field. And we need to surrender everything all over again unto God. Perhaps what is most emotionally draining right now is not having a place to unpack, decorate, and call home (and seeing the toll it takes on our children as well).
Yet we believe that God has a purpose for everything. Jesus could have died on the cross and just rose from the grave the very next day. Why add the day in between? I've always believed that Jesus is a great story-teller or movie-maker. Just like added suspense in a movie makes it all the more dramatic, perhaps the added day in between makes the story more meaningful. Perhaps God is teaching our family a lesson in waiting and suffering right now. A lesson that is for our benefit "because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us" (Rom. 5:3-4). But waiting is never fun, whether waiting in a long grocery line, waiting at the police station after a car accident, or waiting to find a home to rent.
But I believe God has called us to wait and persevere right now. And so that is just what we will do. But don't be mistaken! Waiting is not equated to doing nothing. It is possible to "actively" wait. We are called to "be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstance, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (2 Thess. 5:16). The disciplines of joy, prayer, and thanksgiving (among many others) are things we can actively do right now as we wait.
I believe that God has called us perhaps to a period of Sabbath (the day in between) as well. Sabbath is the ordained day of rest that God has set aside for us to observe. But don't be mistaken again! The Sabbath of the OT and the NT are not the same. As J.I. Packer puts it so eloquently in his book Concise Theology, "the sabbath is renewed with a casuistry of doing good rather than doing nothing (Luke 13:10-16; 14:1-6), and re-counted, on the basis of one-plus-six rather than six-plus-one" (pg. 101). Therefore, worship (i.e. the "Lord's day" or Christian sabbath) comes at the beginning of the week rather than at the end of the week. And it is preoccupied with filling our minds with more of him rather than just filling our minds with fun relaxing activities or no activities (although this is not always bad if it helps us to be still before God) because ultimately our rest (and our peace) comes from God and God alone, and not from anything else in this world. And so perhaps for our family right now, this means spending more time getting to know God through his Word and the world he created, and spending more time enjoying Him through personal worship.
And so maybe today is worth commemorating - as a time of finding true rest in God and as a time of waiting upon His faithfulness. For we know that "no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ. And so through him the 'Amen' is spoken by us to the glory of God" (2 Cor. 1:20).
Happy "In-Between" Day!
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