The Battle is Already Won

Today was my turn to teach Sunday School to the children at our church. Something I have done countless times back in America without much worry beside conveying the message true to God's word. But the circumstance now leaves me trembling every time because I have to not only worry that I am teaching God's word clearly but I am also saying it correctly in Thai!

Throughout the week, I am  trying to understand the passage and saying it in my own words. Throughout the week, my mind is jumbled and I keep feeling that I am going to fail miserably on Sunday with none of the kids understanding. To add to the pressure, we have a guest speaker who is a pastor that, along with his wife, cares for 6 orphan boys along with their two daughters. So, now I have 8 more kids to the 5  kids we already have to the mix.

All weekend, I am feeling a dread and constantly praying for God's help while also feeling so paralyzed with fear. This Sunday morning I awoke wondering whether all that I worked out will really come together.

I wish I could say the lesson went great, but there was definitely lots of room for improvement. It's only by the power of God that I got through it.

It's pretty humbling to have 7 and 8 year olds correct your pronunciation and reading during a lesson.  I come home exhausted and feeling so useless. When will I ever be able to speak in a coherent way? When will I be able to listen without feeling like I am missing out on everything?

It's the same feeling I am constantly feeling and fighting. I tell people that I have no doubt God has called us to Thailand. It's been a calling that I have had to serve Him for a very long time. But I do have my moments when I wonder if I have the strength to continue.

So I return home feeling beat up wondering whether the kids understood anything. I wonder how are we ever going to share God's word to our neighbors and the people around us when I can't even put simple sentences together or answer any questions they may have.
And then God reminds me it's not about me when I go out, it's a spiritual battle.

Ephesians 6:12 says
^" For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms"

This battle is in the spiritual realm. When Dave and I used to pray before coming here, we asked the Lord to take us where there was the most need. We wanted to make ourselves available to be a light even in the darkest place and He has answered that. When you hear statistics saying that we live in an area that has one of the least percentage of believers. ( .02%)  and one of the highest needs for workers and churches. ( out of all the regions our agency works in Thailand, our region has the smallest number of workers by far)  We begin to wonder, how do we do this? Where do we start?  We are only two people. It seems so overwhelming and we always feel so tired.
But God reminds me that He has already done the work and won. The cross trumps everything Satan has and tries to do. We are all free and victors if we just accept it and know. So I am reminded, God is in control and never stops working no matter what.

In Isaiah 40:28-31  it says:

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.


God is my strength and even when I stumble and fall, I will continue to hope.
and one day, I will soar, I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint. He is already helping  me with that.

It may seem a bit depressing that this is my second post about the hardship we face. Some part of me doesn't want to be this honest. I think, "Come on, Lila, Got to show that  I am a "good missionary". We need to show we are doing lots of great work for Him! " But really, I realize that right now, God is refining me. He is burning me through the fire to make something pure. Not only that I can serve Him but because He wants me to be pure, holy and set apart for Him.  God wants me all of me and to really submit everything to Him. To trust Him alone and not by anything I do or any strength or ability I have.
This is not anything different from what anyone else following God faces. We have said before, Missionaries are no different from any other follower of Christ. We are just put in a different location. We are all a body in the process of sanctification.

So, even through  my frustration and failures, I can continue to praise God, loving father and omnipotent one. He truly is the one in control. I am here, not by my own strength or ability but by His grace and mercy. Even in the darkness, I continue to obey and praise Him. I stand in the truth that He is always with me and He will continue to do great things.